Prancing in the Leaves

are we ever truely happy? isnt there constantly something we desire. are we never satisfied with what we've got? human nature is that feeling of wanting something more. i'd like to think that our most basic and subconscious desire isnt something material or physical but rather an emotion like love or belonging, in fact i think the two go hand in hand quite nicely.  i think that if we stripped ourselves of all the gadgetry of todays world; tv, internet, radio and lived in isolation, solitude, we'd find that after sometime, after we've gone through withdrawal of all things physical we'd see that the thing we crave the most is someone who loves us and who we love to sit next to. its the most elementary feeling of them all. at one point or another everyone has felt or given love (no matter what for or relation). it is the key to our suvival as a human being. you could exist forever without a tv, forever without the most fashioable clothes, forever without a car, but love? i honestly dont think its at all possible.

I dont understand todays music. I cant stand listening to Z100 anymore. Its mostly rap and 90% of the rap is by males who talk baout females in a horribly degrading way. Its unbelievable what people can get away with. Its offensive, its harsh, its rough, its disgusting, what with all the references to sex and to body parts. And its all about men having power over women. why? do men feel like they lack power over women in reality so they need to enforce power through their lyrics? And then if listening to it wasnt bad enough you have young kids singing the lyrics to it. Do they even realize what they are saying? a friend and i were joking around saying that little girls might go up to their parents and say "Look, I'm Promiscuous" or a little boy might say "I'm bringing Sexyback!" and these are the tame songs!! what about all the really dirty lyrics by todays rappers? Do parents really want their pre-pubescent and teenagers saying these things! If they learn these things so young and so fast where has their childhood gone?

it is so hard being shomer negia. so hard. 
so hard
like its frustratingly hard
especially because its not me initiating the shomer-ness
if he breaks then thats it cause i'm not shomer
so so hard.
like i just want to link arms with him as we walk, it wouldve been nice to give him a hug after not seeing him for 2 whole weeks.
or even not having to be so careful when he's passing me something like the pepper shaker or a snapple bottle. 
i understand the reasons for it, i really do get it, but its like we'll be in the car, he'll be driving and his arm is just there, hand holding the steering wheel, and i cant help but think, i wonder what his bicep muscle feels like, or maybe he could lean him arm on the armrest next to mine and hold my hand...
damn jewish laws....

we're so consumed with being skinny. male and female. its quite disgusting really. we know that being too skinny does not only look bad but that its also unhealthy and yet we strive to be skinny. we see celebrities, models, musicians and know that its unrealistic what with them being airbrushed and primped behind stage as well as being on strict regimented diets and insane 6 days a week workout for a monetary value more than yours and my house combined. and while they're wasting money, they are also losing so much more. where is there identity? i wonder what their self esteem is like when all they worry about is if they look pretty (which really means am i skinny enough), because if they gain even a pound *gasp* do they get all depressed and crazed over it? if they all of a sudden get a zit *the horror!* do they consider drastic measures such as suicide, ok i know thats an exaggeration but really, if all thats important is beauty and that fades or gets tarnished then what do they have left? if a woman in holly wood ages badly, then thats it, she's done! if a young actress puts on some weight she's ridiculed in all the entertainment shows and magazines. and imagine what they go through. they are built (yes i say built, crazy stepford/haute cotour robots!) solely around their looks and when they go they have nothing. they must be the most anxiety ridden- self conscious people out there. i do not envy them. I only envy their influence they have over the general public and wish they would use it for things that matter. like what if lindsay lohan instead of clubbing every night and wearing barely any clothing took college courses during her time off (she is that age isnt she? its hard to tell as she wears the clothing of a 30 yr old hooker) or put her money toward for example homeless shelters. instead of little girls wanting to dress like whores maybe they'll want to become intellectually smarter. celebrities have so much power and i dont even think they realize it. get down off your high horse and do something to help humanity.

Media, publicity, its alla game they play with us. The "man", corporations, government, its all part of their plan to control the way we think. soon we will not be a democracy, or rather we'll still think we are but really everything that we do, or see, or think, or feel, will be decided by the media and the government. sometimes i feel like they're working together. Like the government has these huge plans to boost our economy so there is more money flopwing through our society. They enlist the media whether through tv, movies, radio, advertisements, fashion to tell us what now cool (which is totally different from what was cool a onth ago) and therefore we fo out there and buy buy buy boosting the economy. media gets what they want which is people buying their products and the government egts what they want, a consistant and reliable economy. and what do we get? we get the ILLUSION that what we are doing with ourselves is because we made the choice to do it. we live with the illusion of choice rather than the actual ability to choose. regardless of how you try to rebel, or are considered an outsider, you still belong to some culture, you are still part of a group who does the same things as you, acts somewhat the same, talks the same and dresses the same. we are a product of the media. it is not the people with the power despite what we think. it is them who control us. how do we get the power back to the people?

i refuse to conform, no its not just that. i refuse to change who i am just so that more guys will look at me. i dont even remember how this all started but me and my mom got into this whole concersation about how if i "primped" myself more than guys would ask me out more or people will know that i am in dating mode and will set me up more. she thinks i should put on make up, wear stockings and high heels and my dad adds to this a shabbos coat. i hate stockings and i refuse to wear them except for the occasional wedding, stress on the word occasional. she brings in points saying how if i looked more presentable as a girly girl then i would have a boyfriend or people would set me up and a little bit of make up will do that. i hate make-up and i think its a pain in the neck to wear, not only do i not like the feel of it on my face and the paranoia that its gonna make me break out, i hate the whole idea behind it. by wearing makeup your putting on a mask, you are being fake, this is not who you are, this is you wearing someone else's face on top of yours. and when you go home at night and lay down next to your husband after a long shower and he turns over and looks at you he wont recognize you, because you are not you! and while this may be an extreme, ok yes it definitely is, its the whole concept behind it. and also why should i have to primp for anyone but myself, i wear what i do because i like it, i talk the way i do because i like it, and i act the way i do because thats who i am. i dont dress/talk/act the way i think people want me to, i dont do things because i want to impress them, i do it all because thats me, i'm being myself and to tell me to change the way i look, well that just doesnt fly in my book, youre basically telling me to stop being me. imagine me wearing cover-up,blush, lipstick, mascara wearing tights and not sneakers on an every day basis.... you'll question this imposter and wont believe a word it says because damn it, thats not me. and if i'm "narrowing my field" because i refuse to conform, then so be it! Its not so much that i refuse to conform, its more like i refuse to be fake. and besides that all, am i that desperate to find someone that i'm willing to change who i am, and lets say i did change and wore make-up and dressed all girly, well when i found the guy and knew it was the guy then i would just go back to how i dressed before because well i got what i was looking for when i masked myself..... the whole thing reeks of false attitudes and false covers. I'm finally happy with who i am and have been comfortable with it now and youre asking me to compromise the very fibers of my being...... no thanks, try your dishonest preachings so some other person, i am no sucker.

i really think i get drunk off of life. Now i've never been actually drunk before but from what i know from other people and from what i see, the person who was drunk has trouble remembering what happened the night they were drunk and what they do recall they're a bit ashamed of. Also at the time of being drunk they are loose and free and say whatever they want and are generally loud and very talkative.
I have been this way at least 3 times that i could remember. Now the one specific time i was thinking about happened last august. Now i remember who was there and i remember where we were and most importantly i remember how hyper i was. It was someone elses b-day party and i totally took over because i was really talkative, loud, and just generally crazy. what could have brought this on? well there are numerous stimuli- meeting new people in large crowds, a lot of ice cream or just the fact that that shabbos (this was a sat night) i didnt have any human contact besides my parents. I was absolutely insane. I dont remember everything i said but the overall feeling from that night that i get is utter regret, i feel so stupid looking back onto that night, really just so dumb like i made an absolute fool of myself. I really dont remember much of that night just that feeling mostly and there are clips of images in my head that fly in and out with no sequence. drunk off of life, yep, i think so.

They're building new apt buildings where i live. well technically not next to me but about 10 minutes away. its on rockaway tnpke where it turns into this huge stretch that reaches entrances to the bely pkway and van wyck. i dont understand why they're doing it. for normal ppl the reasons not to would be that the planes fly insanely close to there, its literally next to JFK. i'm 15 minutes away from jfk and i hear the planes very well, imagine what it'll be like for them, also, they'll be right next to a highway, who would want that, what kind of ppl would live in those apartments, not families because thats no place for a kid to be and certainly not the elderly because well its not safe for them and also i dont think Jews would want to live there, the closest shul is about a 40 min walk. my perspective is is that why take totally unsettled land. beautiful untouched land and destroy it? Does everything in this country have to turn to concrete and cement? cant we have some greenery in this world, non-artificial greenery i mean because i'm sick of "park creations" where someone decides "oh this is a nice place for a patch of grass" and lo and behold they make grass. Leave the earth the way it is, theres too much construction going on. we need mother earth! we need her now more than ever with this whole global warmingness. Soon there wont be any unfounded land, everything is being bought up and built upon. please, just stop the madness..... it hurts

I cant stand the youth of today. They're lacking respect and patience. Everything is about now and getting it no matter what it takes. Long gone are the days of board games and logic puzzles, wooosh, here are the times of instant gratification. I work in a pharmacy and there are many times where the kid buying whatever doesnt say hi, or thank you, or anything that would show some sort of manners. Even if i say something, trying to make small talk because they have to wait for the prescriptions, i either get a blank look (seriously blank) or a one worded answer and they go back to texting on their phone. i dont understand it. i think we've lost all ability to communicate with people in person. Theres the internet, text messaging, cell phones. Kids dont call eachothers houses they call the persons cell phone because god forbid they have to talk to a parent, cause if they did they wouldnt know how to hold a conversation. I know someone who only texts me because its less uncomfortable for him. have you ever seen a 14 year old having a genuine conversation with a 50 yr old that wasnt his relative? and even if he was his relative, he probably wouldnt be able to keep the conversation going for more than 5 minutes. and now we're so plugged into music, always listening to music; ipods, mp3's... this too stunts conversation. "oh no sorry, i cant talk now, i'm too busy listening to music because i cant listen to it later, i have to hear it now" what about listening to the sound of life, most of the time thats a lot more interesting

I know shul is supposed to be a nice place to go, or not nessicarily nice but a respectful and honored place which should instill love and fear of G-d, but whenever i go to my shul most of the time i have this huge feeling of frustration. With what you may ask. well here is the long list. The mechitza really isnt a mechitza, its totally see-through and i think a 10 year old can see over it. also the way the shul is set up the mens section is a rectangle and the woman an "L" with that bottom part of the L looping around the mens section so really that area of the womens section is visible to almost every man there. Coincidentally, i sit in that section. Its smaller and therefore less chatty, which brings me to my next point. The people in the shul do not know how to shut up. You're praying to G-d, talking to Him, and if you cant do that than at least sit there quietly respecting Him and the people around you. It is so often that the Rabbi has to tell the chazan to wait a moment for the ppl to stop talking, or he has to himself stand up and give a 2 minute mussar speech about not talking in shul. Now i'm not a saint, i do talk but not to the extent of the ladies or men around me. Its like theres a man saying kaddish and the 5 men surrounding him who would be the most obvious to answer him are yapping away. Today i saw a man come in at 10:15 (during laining) and he sits 2 rows in opposite the Rabbi and he sauntered in, waved hi to someone not even close and as he got to his seat just stood there talking to the guy next to him. And then theres "the look" this had 2 parts to it. Firstly, as soon as you enter the womens section all of them turn and look you up and down, approving or disapproving your fashion sense and you'll know what they think based upon their facial expressions, oh believe me you'll know. well the second part to this is the young girls who are 12 who dress like they're 18 and the 18 year olds who dress like they're 25. whatever happened to comfy yet elegant? it seems as though the little girls are trading in the training bras for stilletto heals and stick straight hair. How is it that a 17 year old girl comes to dress in a skirt meant for high power manhattan business lady??? where did the frilly socks, and the sometimes mismatched skirt/shirt combos go? for the love of all things young, where did the little girls go? why do they try to grow up so fast?

oh man, last night was crazy and it was only a party of 6. crazy crazy fun, movies drinks chips and good ole shmoozing.... i wont divuldge that much but we went to bed at 5 in the morn and didnt wake up til 1pm...

my 2 favorite words of last night : toasted and soused

i just dont know what to do with myself......

i am the laziest bum i know. i didnt wake up til 11 this morning and then i lounged around in bed dozing in and out until 11-45, so i got up washed brushed threw on a sweatshirt and my fuzzy slippers and didnt get out of em all day! i mean i did put in my contacts and re-pony-ed up my hair but that was around 5pm. sweeeet lounging days how i love thee! i was gonna go to karate tonight but i got into a painting groove and just wouldnt get up! eh whatever i'll go thursday, thats my day to go anyway.
i really am crazy, i decided that today, actually i think that very often but it was brought about today because i started another painting (along with the one i worked on today, meaning i now have to started paintings, neither finished) and its a geometric optical illusion type thing and its insanely detailed and has teeny crevices and miniscule triangles and polygons....mmm polygons how i love thee, tiny funny shaped creatures, youre neither a rectangular or a triangle, not a square or a circle, just a bunch of lines put together to form your own unique shape, positive and negative shapes such as these that have never been seen before...i kind of like to think of myself as a polygon amidst a community of squares

i broke wood today in karate. i was the best, yes its true... i am the best.

You Are A Fir Tree

You love anything beautiful, and you have extraordinary taste. And while it's hard for you to trust, you care deeply for those close to you. You are a social butterfly, and you have many friends. You handle stress well - and you are a master at relaxing after a hard day. Overall, you are modest, talented, unselfish, and very reliable.

in case you were wondering, i had a potato knish and spicey fries (5.25) and then a bottle of water and a bag of bissili from home...
not bad, not bad at all

hehehe so right now i'm in class and its my photoshop class but he had nothing prepared for us to do so he said just do whatever you want on photoshop or on studio artist (that other stupid program). so i did what i had to do and now i'm done...teehee.
i'm so hungry and i could eat a lot but i dont want to spend that much money. i am slowly going broke. i could go for a bagel w/cc (1.65) but i had that yesterday. i could get the potato knish (2.50?) but its too small to just have one and to add to it something else, it will get expensive. i could say just screw it and get baked ziti (5.40) but then again i really dont want to spend over 5 buckaroos....
i'm really never this cheap. its this gosh darn shower thats killing me. money spent at party city, michaels, ingredients for food, bed bath and beyond, and then besides that i just paid my month for karate, i need to get a new tire cause mine keep flattening, and i also need to fill my tank. theeeeen theres chanukah and we always have a hanukah harry (secret santa) for my family and also i do it with friends as well..... i really hope i get a lot of money for my b-day from relatives, i mean i am turning 21...
and just as a side point, this shower is so stupid, its taken over my life! oh yeah i also need to buy drinks for this thing and go to kinkos and spend money on the wishing well... i dont mind the power i have, i happen to like power but if the people helping me were actually helping and taking initiative then i would be a lot happier. cause even though i have 2 full days off from school i still have work to do. i'm in the middle of this painting thats 30x40 and its part of chomot yerushalayim and i do it brick by brick. i've put in about 10 hours and not even close to done...and its my final painting due in like a week and half, and then theres my drawing final which i havent even started thats due in 2 weeks and its crazy detailed. i mean i know i work well under pressure and all, but it still drives me crazy. ok rif, just chill.
deep breath....all is ok....

i'm really hungry

painting.......its so sooting and calming, i instantly feel like all is ok...that i'm ok, and that everything is for the best....

today was quite an interesting day, here, let me chronicle it for you, and just to let you know this will be a play by play of my day, it was be boring to some (prolly all) but i am in desperate need of an outlet.
i had photoshop class this morning and as the prof comes into class he announces that we are not doing photoshop today, instead we are gonna experiment with this program called Art Studio (or something that sounds like that). well that got me to sit upright, what? not doing photoshop? isnt the name of the class photoshop? anyway i put my hesitations aside thinking that ok maybe this can be cool, well let me tell you folks, after 10 minutes of 'experimenting' (i'm surprised i lasted that long) i was sick of the program. we also had to listen to this tutorial through headphones and the guy had such a drone monotonous voice...shoot me now, well anyway after 4 hours of this pointless program i needed to quickly grab some lunch cause i only had a half hour to eat.
well my potato knish was quite good, just the right amount of mushiness and no need for extra salt buuuuut there was this girl thats a grade younger than me who went to HS with me (and we never said a word to eachother) just staring at me while i was eating and while she was talking on her cell phone. this bothered me immensely. a)she was sitting at a table with someone already and yet she was talking on her phone, thats so rude, her friend was just sitting there eating his lunch and there she was shmoozing away, so disrespectful, and b) anytime i looked her way (it was hard not to, i was in a corner and she was loud) she would be looking at me, and i'd stare back thinking that if she realized i knew she was looking at me she'd break the eye contact because i caught her, but no, she kept right on staring. i shouldv'e played chicken with her to see if she would break or not, but truthfully i just wanted to eat without being scrutinized and scrutinizin' she was doin, hmph! well anyway then was drawing class and i wasnt particularly looking foward because i got so drained from staring at a comp screen for 4 hours not talking to anyone... it really does make one lethargic, so anyway i get to drawing class and lo and behold theres a model there. are you kidding me?!?! this is the third time we've had this model. now i really dont care that she was naked (this is the point where all you guys out there sit up straight and think, 'well this just got a little more interesting')but i just dont feel like i'm learning anything. and on a side point, there are some drawings that i'm really proud of but cant show my parents cause i think its akward to show them my drawings of a naked lady and i cant show my bro cause he wont look....i just want to show them off sometimes... but anyway back on topic, so we had 4 hours of drawing in sumi ink this naked chick, whatever man, not my idea of using the 4 hours to utmost. anywho i walked out of the art building and i saw something that really made me stop in my tracks, the sky was orangey-red! it was beautiful, i've never seen a sky such a crazy color, i walked all the way to my car staring up at the sky... anywho i got home had some hamburgers and heard some really bad news that makes me even more into a funk that i already was...
so here i am venting this all out hoping that they'll be someone to pick me up...

i have a b-day party that i am obligated to go to, a friend of mine, but its in a bar with a bunch of random people i dont know, its also and open invite, anyone want to join me??? it'll be filled with a lot of hot girls (for you guys) or really cool guys (for you girls).... so let me know, i dont want to be bored there....